If you are braver than most of us, and when you look back on your life, you would probably agree with so many others on just one thing; that you have dealt with and survived your one moment of great heartache; the loss of a man you once loved and probably still, intensely pine for. Your “him”. Your only “him”. Perhaps, you weren’t really convinced that he was your one great love, or maybe, he just did not overwhelmingly enchant you at the time. It could be that you quite possibly simply abandoned the nudging of your heart, until it was too late. Until, you missed your chance or until, that became your one moment of great heartache. But, more distressing and devastatingly heart-breaking is, loving someone who has died too suddenly, too unexpectedly, or far too soon.
When your one great love dies, your love for him does not naively die with him. It remains, and it lingers. Perhaps, it becomes fiercer and increasingly precious, almost as though you become desperate to defend that love and keep it alive and thriving. It becomes a love lost to your world, one that could now, never be. You become the crusader of your very own heart when you begin to consider an alternate reality in which you can carry on loving him, even if only, in your mind. You begin to live again, as you escape into a Universe you created for yourself, and for him. It becomes a creation that you rush into, the moment your world becomes quiet and when the darkness of the night invades and entirely, consumes you. In the disorderliness of your thoughts, you are at last, silenced when you find him; in a Universe he continues to exist in and only for you. Sadness evaporates and joy once again, replaces your shattered heart.
You begin to function as normally as you once did. You alertly return to your existence in this world; the real world, and once again, you begin to focus on all that had mattered, before your one moment of great heartache happened, your him. You free yourself from all the misery that once surrounded you, and you pick up your fragmented pieces, afraid to fall apart before you can tell him all about it in the darkest of the nights. You smile more often, and you engage in the world you are forced to dwell in, but only until you are alone and only until, you find him in his. Life begins to make sense again, and you passionately believe that the portal between your two worlds, has opened just so that you can love him in your mind.
The chances are excellent that you will survive your one moment of great heartache. You no longer feel trapped in a world without him, and you consciously decide to function routinely again. You are cautious as to how you behave around the people of this world; it’s imperative that they don’t discover your secret, they won’t understand. You laugh, you make friends and once again, you begin to meet people … but, on your terms and in your time. Your life with him awaits you the moment you shut out the world you are imprisoned in; you become impatient to get there, to be with him. The nights become too short, and the days … too long.
And when you meet someone new, you are satisfied to fit in as ordinarily as possible. You know you will never again love your “him” in this lifetime, and in this world … so you allow yourself to love another until you are able to find him once more, in his existence. You might fall in love again, even though it’s an altered kind of love. You might wholly and intentionally devote yourself to him by committing to him and perhaps, start a family with him. You become the master of your one moment of great heartache by fitting in flawlessly with another, with only the very best of intentions. Because, you are now able to cope. Because, you continue to love him in your mind and in his world. That becomes enough for you. For now.
No matter how much time passes you by; no matter how many other “him’s” comes and goes, you still will always have your “him” to fall back on, your safe place. The place that feels like home to you. There, where he will be waiting for you, even though you might not return to him for days, months or years. He will be there, just as he has always been and just as you remembered him, even though you’ve left him for a while. He never leaves you and he never goes away. When you return to him, it’s almost as though no time has passed. Everything has remained exactly as it was, in his world. There is still room in his existence, for only you. The survival of the world he is living in, is only because of you and for you; tailor-made to include all that was lost to you in your world, and it comforts you.
As you wander through a life that no longer makes as much sense to you as it once did, you survive purely by loving him in your mind. To others, it may seem like madness with no method to it, but for you, that is how you survive a crushed heart. That is how your haunting nightmares end, and your new dreams begin. That is how you learn to breathe again. That is how you function supremely, in a crooked and unforgiving world. That is how you escape the devastating pain that unreservedly conquers your every thought and consumes your entire being. That is how you endure the memories of a life once lived, but lost to this lifetime and this world. That is how you speak his name, and smile. That is how the broken pieces of your heart becomes mended shards. By loving him in your mind, you once again possess the strength and determination to freely and adequately, love those who continue to linger in your world. Differently … yet, equally all at the same time.