You promise him that it’s him you want and that it’s him you want to be with. You pledge your love and devotion to him, because … you do love him, and you are devoted to only him. You love him wildly. You love him faithfully. You love him so incredibly passionately. Your heart can compare him to no other, and you dream of your tomorrows with him. You have every intention of being faithfully dedicated to him, to just one. In the end, we all can only love one. We are made to only love one. There is only one lid per pot. We were never made to love more than one, the same. We were never made to love more than one at the same time, were we?
And at first, it is only him. You bind and pledge your truest of love and allegiance to only one. All that came before him, no longer matters. A love that you once cherished and held onto so feverishly before your new him showed up, is at once, abandoned and disregarded. It must be forgotten. You tell yourself that it was never love, and that you just need time to adjust to your new him. You are keen to distract yourself from your other him, the one you once knew so well. Someone you might have clung to because of familiarity or shelter, but not love. It could never have been love because you love your new him, you know you do. You are convinced that the lingering emotions for your other him will eventually dwindle. You are sure it will. It has to. We were not made to love more than one.
But the time you’ve allowed for yourself to adjust, changes nothing. You still and do love him, the new him you undertook to love forever. But then, one night and without warning, you pretend to be asleep because you were unexpectedly reminded of your other him’s scent earlier on. No matter how hard you tried to ignore the memory of him; no matter how desperate you were to disregard the rush of emotions that had abruptly found its way back into your heart, you just can’t shake it off. Your new him can’t know. You question why the sentience of your other him’s odour so absolutely unnerves you. You lay reminiscing about how he once touched you and how he felt against you. You rebuke yourself for thinking of your other him again. You begin to whisper silent “I miss you’s” to your other him when no-one else can hear, and you hate yourself for doing so. You punish yourself for being suddenly perplexed by what it all means and where it would all end? You try to think back to when it all began and why you failed to see it creeping up on you? You wonder how long he’s truly been on your mind for, and how long the memory of him will still last? You don’t love him, it has to be so. You love another, it has to be so. You make no sense of anything as you urgently aim to decrypt your untaught emotions. You try and find a trigger. Why is he on your mind when your new him is so staunchly set in your heart. Why does the memory of your other him’s voice make way for the broadest smile on your face? You want your other him to stop launching, what you deem to be, a brutal attack on your heart and on your mind. You choose your new him. Your soul mate, he has to be. Why is your other him living in your mind? Why is your heart searching for him again? Why does the memory of him suddenly hurt so much? Is it your heart that made the very first move? What about your new him? Why are you still so captivated by your other him that you continue to seek him out, but at the same time, you can’t let go of your new him? Why do you set aside time to find your other him in your mind, and linger there … with him? Is your soul pursuing him? As you dawdle with your other him in your mind, you discover in horror that your body too, still craves his. You play your “could-have-been’s” out like a movie in your mind, and you can barely breathe as your heart begins to race fiercely. While you lay there, pretending to sleep, you see your other him’s eyes staring back at you.
You turn over to your new him who lays staring out into the dark, leaving you to pretend to be asleep. You say that you just want to look into his eyes. You are desperate to hear your heart whisper that he is the one. Your heart does not let you down; it tells you that it loves him, and it can’t lose him. You ask your new love not to move, not to say a word, and not to ask you about it. You whisper how you love him, but your soul reminds you of your other him, at the very same time.
You lay watching him as he falls asleep. You realize that you should have known that it was coming to this. You were blind, you never wanted to see. There are traces of them both in your eyes and in your heart. You know that you love them equally, just differently. You choose one to love in full view of the world, while you can only love the other in your mind. Equally, just differently. He might find the proof of your shredded love in your eyes, but there are no lies on your body. You don’t love your other him like that, you can’t. You know that you love your new him, but the Universe has asked you to love more than one. It has asked you to choose one and long for the other. It has demanded a choice and when you finally choose, it unforgivingly begins to toss memories of the other him at you. It heartlessly begins two different stories in your heart, and it watches you play out the love you have for them both. It has cruelly allowed you to be torn between two hearts, two souls and two him’s. It reminds you of the one when you are with the other. It lets you long for the other when you’re with the one. It let you choose and it left you feeling as though you were never equipped to make that choice. You should never have had to choose. You should never have been damned into an eternity of loving two, equally but differently. You can’t choose. You never could. You love them both. You need them, both. Your heart won’t let you choose now, when it’s already too late. When you have already chosen. When you probably would have chosen exactly the same, again. The Universe has allowed another to stroll thoughtlessly into your heart, and blind you for a while. Only for a while. Only for a bit. For only a moment, it let you believe that you love only one. It let you breathe before it hurled your other him back at you, and asked you to love them both, equally. Yet, differently. It has asked you to love them both all at the same time, when the world allows you to love only one.